Redistributing roles, seeking support
Mr Muhd Akhbar Mohamed Jailani, 35, is in remission from nasopharyngeal cancer after undergoing chemotherapy at the National University Cancer Institute, Singapore, and proton beam therapy at the National Cancer Centre Singapore.
The treatments, which ran from December 2023 to April, left the logistics driver with numerous side effects. He suffered from vertigo, weakness, numbness in the extremities, a choking feeling in his throat and blocked ears.
“After treatment, I would lock myself up in my room,” he says. “I felt lethargic. It was hard to eat or shower.”
His wife Aidah Lee, 34, was pregnant with their fourth child, but Mr Akhbar did not have the energy to do his usual share of the housework and childcare.
As the sole breadwinner, he was also worried about his family’s future. Insurance paid for his treatments, but they were living off their savings.
Madam Aidah, a housewife, tried to ensure her husband had the space and solitude he needed during this time. Their two younger children – Nur Adira, eight, and Muhd Ayden, three – could be distracted, but their oldest child Muhd Aidil, 12, was devastated by his father’s suffering.
“I was scared my father would die,” he says.
Madam Aidah asked Aidil’s school for help. The Primary 6 pupil had sessions with a counsellor, who helped him process his emotions and suggested financial assistance schemes the family could apply for.
Aidil was also introduced to a peer support leader – another student his age – who could look out for him at school.
External support can help families get through difficult times, says Ms Leong. Extended family and friends can offer emotional support or run errands.
Counsellors can help people deal with their grief and come to terms with their new normal.
Aidil is taking on more housework now, including making simple breakfasts for his family.
His mother cherishes a WhatsApp chat in which he offered emotional support: “You can talk to me. I’ve learnt how to talk to people when they are sad.”
Crises can bring out the best in people and help parents to appreciate their children’s capabilities, says Ms Leong.
However, parents should not rely inappropriately on their children for emotional support, she adds.
Indeed, Madam Aidah gently declined her son’s offer with: “I am just glad that you have a positive mindset... Thank you.”
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